tweenParenting
Some advice from Dr. Lee, tweenBeauty's resident child psychologist
If you are reading this you are probably the parent of a tween. Welcome to a wild ride! It will probably feel like a white water raft trip, with excitement, some scary times and some tranquil moments in between the rapids. Also if you’re reading this, you probably have a tween daughter, a particularly interesting species who changes from day to day or minute to minute.
Being a tween is that in-between developmental period when children go from being children to teenagers. It’s a confusing time for your child… and for you! If this is your first tween, at times it may feel that you have forever lost your precious child. But, not to worry, on the other side, you will likely meet a very interesting person with developing tastes, independence and enhanced critical thinking.
For most youngsters, the tween years start sometime between eight and ten years of age, and end between twelve and thirteen. This roughly translates into the time period from late elementary school to early high school. Keep in mind that girls tend to mature a little more quickly, both physically and emotionally, than boys.
Prior to becoming a tween, children have spent their psychological energy developing independence from family, in a gradual manner, through learning to rely on their teachers, coaches and peers. They have been developing and mastering skills, such as learning to read, write and do math, learning to play soccer, do tap dance or becoming proficient in some other area. For most children their focus is on the outside world- school, teams and friends- rather than on emotions. The school-aged child is a reasonably uncomplicated soul and there tends to be a sense of stability barring any major traumas or larger life changes. The world is judged from a rather black and white perspective and whether things are “fair” is the measure used to assess situations.
As children move out of childhood, massive changes begin to occur, at first slowly and then with greater speed. By the end of the tween stage, your child will have gone through puberty, have an entirely different body, have complex emotions informed in part by their hormones, have complex relationships and be able to have a far more complex understanding of the world and themselves.
Just imagine yourself in their shoes, you’re a child with a body you don’t really think about, nor do you think about your friends’ bodies. And then suddenly everything begins to change. You get breasts, you grow hair in new places, you become significantly taller. Or you don’t get breasts, yet, but your friends do. As puberty sets in, strong emotions surface…both difficult ones, such as easily bursting into tears and being very grumpy….and exciting ones, that boy you’ve known forever gives you goose bumps when he looks in your direction. Suddenly you are thinking about things you have never thought of before.
As one’s body changes, a person’s view of themselves changes. There are lot of comparisons, a lot of insecurities, and a lot of fears about what it will be like when the changes are complete. In our society, it is particularly difficult for two reasons. First, puberty is happening earlier. Second, there is a lot of emphasis on appearance, beauty and being sexy.
During this period, girls pay close attention to what is happening with their friends…endless comparison about who is developing and who is not, who is pretty, who is not, who do the boys like (in the early tween years the boys are probably oblivious, but the girls don’t know that), and who they don’t. The comparison, competition and insecurity leads to much more complex peer relationships. In fifth and sixth grade cliques often develop, friendships may fluctuate and competition may feel like betrayal. Since there is such variation in development, friendship groups might fall apart because girls are at very different stages of their physical and emotional progress. Remember, during this period some children remain children far longer than others, some shoot quickly into more adolescent interests and all children are cycling between acting like a child and rejecting their childishness for some period of time.
What a youth can accomplish during this period of development is truly awesome. If supported, guided appropriately and loved, your tween can learn how to handle complex relationships, balance self-focus with empathy for others, can learn to accept and love who they are with their unique set of abilities and their particular body. Although these changes aren’t completed by the time your child enters adolescence, a strong foundation allows for a high school experience marked by confidence, accomplishment and the ability to use good judgment and make wise decisions.
During this stage of development, most children move from wanting to be just like everyone else to becoming their own person. At the beginning most girls share the same crushes on the same teen idols, like the same songs and want to wear the same style of clothes by the same designers. In my era, instead of having the same crush we got to choose which of the Beatles we loved and then engaged in heated debates about John, Paul, George and Ringo’s relative merits. The uniform in my era was a white, box-pleated skirt with yellow, pink or turquoise mohair sweater and matching shoes. Today it is low slung jeans, cropped tank tops and flip flops (at least in California that’s the uniform). The need for conformity comes from the questions of: “Can I fit in?’ “Do I belong?” and “How do I compare with others?” It also derives from a deep fear and insecurity…”Who am I becoming?” Hopefully, as a child nears true adolescence, they are beginning to carve out their own style, their own tastes and their own interests. These are then further developed and refined during the high school years. By the time they are perched to make life determining decisions (college or not, which college, pursue an athletic career, join the navy, etc.) your child will know who they are, what they are interested in and what their unique skills are.
Parenting a tween is not for sissies or for those who need a life that always goes according to plan. Your child wants to be in control of their own life now, and feels that they are fully capable of making their own decisions. They insist on independence… except when they want to be dependent and have you take care of everything, and want you to take care of the mistakes that inevitably come from their unrefined ability to make good decisions and limited ability to see the implications of their actions. Your job is to give them an ever increasing realm within which they can have control, and can learn to be more independent, making mistakes that will not have devastating consequences. Is your child ready to stay at home alone, to take the bus to the mall or to manage juggling their homework assignments on their own? Is your child mature enough to watch more provocative movies? Only you can gauge your child’s readiness, but remember, your child needs to master independence and needs to learn to solve their own problems, but she also needs clear limits. It is not always easy to stick with those limits in the face of your child’s begging and/or haranguing about being the strictest and most unreasonable adult on the planet. I strongly advise parents to talk with other parents in their community and try to form a unified front with similar rules and expectations. Even if you can’t all agree, or if your children have different levels of maturity, it helps to know what rules exist in your child’s peer group. This way when your tween complains that NO ONE else is banned from seeing “8 Mile” or EVERYONE has a pierced belly button, you know whether or not this is true.
This brings up the topic of emotions. They can be extreme and exaggerated. Hormones, insecurity and the push for autonomy lead to strong emotional reactions. In a day your child may feel intense anguish, fury and exuberance. Or, your child may mope for days on end because of a perceived betrayal. Your job is to be calm and reasonable, to provide love and support, to assuage hurt feelings and to then help your child think through the particular situation. Feelings aren’t things we can control, we can only learn how to manage them, how to express them and to understand where they come from. If your child is a drama queen, help her develop some perspective. If your tween is aggressively self determined don’t get into power struggles, but do set clear limits. Remember, even though your child appears to see you as hopelessly old fashioned or a complete nerd, they are watching and learning from you and they are relying on you for guidance and unwavering love.
Our society is a tough one for being the parent of a tween. There is tremendous pressure on your tween to grow up, to be sexy and a success. The media is filled with frightening images and focuses…. in order to be loveable you need to look like Brittany Spears…..very overt sexuality is found in many movies and TV shows…some video games send the message that problems are best solved through violence. Kids today are also pressured to get excellent grades, to do extracurricular activities so that their college applications look good and to always overachieve. Within this environment it can, at times, feel impossible to instill good values in your children. As parents we can explain our values, explain the consequences of actions and behaviors and set the limits that will keep our children away from dangers. We have to be careful that we don’t become so overprotective and set such strict limits that we drive our children away. We need to allow our children to suffer the consequences of their actions except when the consequences are too great. It is very important that the lines of communication are kept open: talk with your tween, even when it is not apparent that they are listening (like when they roll their eyes), but also listen to them. Some very wise words are coming out of their mouths.
Finally, if you are feeling overwhelmed with the task, or if your tween is doing really scary things, seek some help and advice. Some consultation with a mental health professional can help you and your tween get back on track if you’ve lost your way.
